Waiter, Waiter!

There's a FLY in my soup!
That's not surprising, Sir, the chef used to be a tailor.

Time flies!
I can't - they're too fast.

Time flies like an arrow.
Fruit flies like a banana.

A flea and a fly were in prison. What could they do?
The flea said "Let us fly," the fly said "Let us flee"
So they flew through a flaw in the flue.

What's brown, mushy, and extremely lethal?
Shark-infested chocolate pudding!

New! 2026 - Special Tony* Section

My wife thinks I don't respect her privacy.
At least that what she wrote in her diary.

I wake up grumpy most mornings but sometimes I let her sleep in.

I told my wife that I wanted to be cremated. She made an appointment for next Tuesday.

My wife was upset that  I didn’t buy her flowers but, to be honest, I didn’t know that she sold flowers.

I heard that they aren’t making 12 inch rulers any longer.

I signed up on a dating site for pyromaniacs and they already sent me a lot of matches.

Where do you take a sick bunny?
To the hopital.

Where do you take a very sick bunny?
To the intensive hare unit.

What if the intensive hare unit isn't in the same hospital?
Take the bunny in a petulance.

NEW! 2022 A minister, a priest, and a rabbit walk into a blood bank. The rabbit says "I'm a Type O."

NEW! 2023 A guy opens his refrigerator and sees a sleeping rabbit. He pokes the rabbit and asks him what he's doing there. "This refrigerator is a Westinghouse, isn't it?" "Well, I'm westing!"

If I get any votes for it, I'll repeat Poco's "A Rabbit Walks Into a Bar" joke. (Not a single request for over three years. I'll give it more time.)

Master! Master! The Invisible Man is outside!
Tell him I cannot see him.

What is the favorite breakfast of a thesaurus?
A synonym bun

What about the Chicago Manual of Style?
Cereal commas

What is a cat's favorite color?
PURRple.

What does a cat say on the radio?
Wee paws for station identification.

What do you call the leader of a mouse orchestra?
Micestro, of course.

What do you do if you fall overboard from a ship and find yourself mired in seaweed?
Holler "KELP!"

*A genuine Dad person